When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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