Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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