I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
