i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I supernannyed him into submission
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
