Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
