I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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