Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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