You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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