I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
