youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Why did my mother make you get naked?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
