Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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