My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
