you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
