hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
