The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
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i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
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They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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