I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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