It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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