I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
When are your genitals available?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
