my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
