PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Everything about him screamed your future.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
