Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
