he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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