My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
