You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
