Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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