he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
