why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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