wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
