I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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