i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
