girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
