It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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