Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
