you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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