I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
