Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Girls should come with a carfax report
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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