I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I could fuck to npr.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Randomize
