oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
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