Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
