I seem to have left my pride at pride
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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