The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
