I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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