the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
