I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
