Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize