i just sent this text using only my big toe
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
