Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
