dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
