I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
