I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
