ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
