I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
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Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
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Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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