Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
