i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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