Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He better not be in your backpack
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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