I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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