do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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