so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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